Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

[Dan McMillin]

Heres a joke: MIKE OVERCAST

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[Bulldozer]

Okay...

A rope walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind here" He walks out in disappointment and tries again a few minutes later, the bartender tells him "I told you, we don't serve ropes here" So he walks outside, ties himself up and pulls his ends tight. He then unravels himself at both ends and walks back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies "Aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope replies in his most convincing voice "rope? I'm a frayed knot."

[tre5]

Heres a joke: MIKE OVERCAST

yikes.

[cheap jeep creep]

dont mean to change the thread but lets hear some funny race stories also!

[tre5]

My dad just emailed me this one...

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
>>
>> Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's
>> Building Supply when they collide.
>>
>> The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
>> my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
>>
>> The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
>> wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>>
>> The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
>> wife look like?"
>>
>> The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
>> blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
>> halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
>>
>> The old guy says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[trophygirl82]

Whats that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

















Grandpa.

[Nick Sexton]

Philosophy of sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
-- Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

[Nick Sexton]

Rodney Dangerfield Classics

My parents hated me so much my first bath toy was an electric toaster.

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."



"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

[DavyD]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriateness and transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

[Nick Sexton]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him 12 drinks.
The bartender pours 12 drinks and the guy starts drinking them one after the other as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Say I've never seen anyone drinks as fast as you!"
The guy says, "You would drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "About 75 cents."