Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

[JGunn]

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[troyharper]

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods and ammunition are your best bets."

[JGunn]

I need a raise!

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!

[troyharper]

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells
"race car"?

That "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it
to the last, spells its past tense, "ate"?

If you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few
more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing,
resource-sucking, violent, non-English-speaking assholes, and take those
other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-screwing, raggedy-ass bastards with you?

How weird is that?

[troyharper]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

"Because, I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out"



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



And my favorite: 25 My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

[JGunn]

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim

[troyharper]

"The death of Osama bin Laden last Sunday has
apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda has
released a statement vowing to make America pay for bin Laden's death.
Which - I'm pretty sure we did pay for his death. We paid for the
whole thing and even took care of the funeral arrangements. Maybe a
thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel





"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename
the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea . Really? Martyr
Sea ? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the
Sea?" –Jay Leno





"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic.
Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno





"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone
numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on
his way to summer camp." -Jay Leno









"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our
money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with
12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his
head." –David Letterman



"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online
slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in
Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson



"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick
Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno





"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in
the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno



"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan
with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman



"Bin Laden's wives didn't have it too
bad.........by looking at the pictures of the inside of the compound,
it doesn't look like any of them EVER had to do housework".

[JGunn]

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
huge crowd.



The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, "Do you know that
with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go
wild with joy."



This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and

they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"



Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show
me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD
ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

[JGunn]

Just thinking.....(about the past, the stocks are different now, you get the drift...)

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will
have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will
have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the
gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!

[rmirandayopo]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'