Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

[MARXICO]

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a sea shell on her hip last week and if you put your ear on it you can smell the ocean

[SPONSOR]

Membership in the largest desert racing community has its advantages - Participate in Forum Discussions - Send and Receive Private Messages - Maintain Public Photo Albums - Access to Groups - User Profile in our Social Network - Increased Access to more Sub Forums - Reduced Online Advertisements Join our community today

[troyharper]

Bewildered Texas Rancher



While riding down along the border this morning,

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

[randy s]

Bewildered Texas Rancher



While riding down along the border this morning,

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

ja ja. i thought you were gonna say that it took too long to walk to el paso from amarillo to report it.

[Faulk9]

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.



The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him
shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."



The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the
undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.



The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1
million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this
religious country and you would only spend $100?"



One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here,
was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply
can't take that risk".

[troyharper]

Dinner Date

A while back, when I was younger, I picked up my date at her parents' house.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu; shrimp cocktail, lobster and champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

No"she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

[Faulk9]

The husband had just finished reading a new book "You Can Be The Man of Your House." He stormed up to his wife in the kitchen & announced, "From now on you need to know that I'm the man of the house & my word is the 'LAW.' You will prepare me dinner tonight & when I'm done eating you will bring me dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me & we will have all of the sex that I want. Afterwards you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back & towel me dry. Then you will massage my feet. Then tomorrow guess who's gonna dress me & comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f*ckin funeral director would be my first guess..."

[Faulk9]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

[troyharper]

The Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep S H I T !!! "

[troyharper]

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:Why the h_!__ didn't you tell me sooner?]
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

[JGunn]

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner