Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

[DEZERTSUB]

It's no wonder hurricanes are often named after women, they are a lot alike. They are wet n wild when they come into your lives, then leave with your home and car.

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[Baja Fool]

A mexican woman was crossing the Rio Grande headed to the U.S. when she discovered a magic lamp. She picked it up & shook it. A cholo looking genie popped out.
He looked at the woman angrily and said, Ok, you have 3 wishes; "Que quieres, vieja".
The woman says "Well, first I want my whole family to be in the United States legally."
The genie says "So eesee, its done. Your 2nd weesh?"
The woman says; "I want my family to have so much money they never need want or worry again."
The cholo genie says; " Ay vieja, ees too eesee and what is your final weesh?"
The woman says; " Well, you know how they are fighting and everything in Iraq and Iran and all those places, I want them to stop and there be peace for everyone."
The cholo says; "Iraq? Iran? I dunno where thees places are?!?
The woman says; "Yo tengo mapa...I have a map"
The cholo says; "Map?!? Ees muy too hard. Peek sumting else, vieja!
The Woman says; "OK, I want a good mexican man who will love me, be true to me, love our family, work hard, come home every night, don't drink, don't chase women...
The cholo genie, shaking his head, says; "Pinchee vieja, gimme the map!!

[troyharper]

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

"Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?'"
asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into da....."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'"?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in
da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da
other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Highway
Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he vent over to her."

"After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his
gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman, he came
across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you
feeling?' Now vat da hell vould YOU say?"

[troyharper]

Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot …..

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn,
putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain
from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to
run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth,
floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet
some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in
the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on
a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in your stomach than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird
thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because
it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you
still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,
'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you
are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging
out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?
Who farted?

[troyharper]

GOTTA LOVE THIS COP
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an A hole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for "A HOLE?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

[TORC_spotter_220]

Mexican jokes are like black jokes. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

[troyharper]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak...

[troyharper]

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel...

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts...

What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?

A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush...

[troyharper]

On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The onlookers are still unclear whether she (he) jumped or was pushed!

[troyharper]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that .Number 1 -you
have to be single and Number 2 - you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back
on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."