Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

[JEFFRPM]

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod?
This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small
fortune on that bird. What did he die from? "From eating the rotten
meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse?
What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor!
A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod.
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold
Engraved Trap Special with the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... VERY LONG SILENCE..............
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep ** ¡Ay, caramba!**** ¡Ay, caramba!**** ¡Ay, caramba!**** ¡Ay, caramba!**."

[SPONSOR]

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[troyharper]

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of @ss?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh @ss for mah drink."

[troyharper]

SOUTHERN PROFESSIONAL ENGINEER EXAM

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered
by the "Southern States Professional Engineer Licensing Department":

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2 x 8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When
the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 9000 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the
probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[troyharper]

WOMAN


A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room
and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

SORRY.

I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that stuff.

Never mind.......

[JGunn]

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A: A Northern fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time...". A Southern fairy tale starts with "Now, y'all ain't gonna believe this $#!+, but..."

[TORC_spotter_870]

Want to know a good way to burn off some calories????

Light a fat kid on fire.

[TORC_spotter_870]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot.

------------------

What smells like Red paint but is blue?

Blue Paint

[troyharper]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm
'I'd like to buy a horth' he says
What sort of horse?', said the owner a
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"
owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
the owner picks him up and shoves his head deep
inside the horses vagina,pulls him out.The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
'Can I see her wun awound?'

[PWR MAD]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband..

for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

[troyharper]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping
business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.b They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there
was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a
emonstration. So Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but
when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and
bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back
up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up-she's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally
catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was
the crowd!.... What the hell is a piñata!!