Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

[troyharper]

These four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

'WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?'

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: 'I've come for some courage.'

'NO PROBLEM!' says the Wizard. 'WHO IS NEXT?'

Ronald Reagan steps forward, 'Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.'

'DONE' says the Wizard.

'WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?'

Up steps George Bush sadly, 'I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.'

'I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!' says the Wizard. 'CONSIDER IT DONE.'

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
'WHAT DO YOU WANT?'

'Is Dorothy here?'

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[troyharper]

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Dan," he replied.

"Dan forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Dan answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Dan finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Dan thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

[troyharper]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book

. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pusycats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"''

[troyharper]

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. President Obama is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

[troyharper]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at
night So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist
’Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now! ! ! '

FORGET THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS ... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

[troyharper]

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five."

"Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two."

"How’d you get that?" the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

[troyharper]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[troyharper]

his is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I am a Democrat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

[troyharper]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After an hour & a half she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?
"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After an hour & a half he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says, "This is mine."
A half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?"

[randy68]

There was a 13 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.

After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.

...and HE'S the son-of-a-** ˇAy, caramba!**** ˇAy, caramba!**** ˇAy, caramba!**** ˇAy, caramba!**** ˇAy, caramba!** who ran over my FROG!