LUCHO'S JOURNAL – The BK1 pre-run from hell

[Lucho]

LUCHO’S JOURNAL – THE PRE-RUN FROM HELL
The Baja 1000, pre-run experience: How to care for an old man and still have fun pre-running.

So, we’re pre-running with his brand new F150, which has been tricked out but not quite finished. Nonetheless, the ride is sweet. On our first day, we decide to start at Ojos Negros and go as far as we can on the first day of our pre-run. Maybe wind up in San Felipe? Yeah, right!

With me is LJ (his name is actually Fred Quickenbaus, but he likes to be called “LJ”). Don’t ask me why. He’s a bit different from the normal 76 year-old. This would be his first time ever in the new truck and on the pine forest of Baja. So I tell LJ. “Are you sure you want to make this trip? It’s full of twisting turns, tight trails, and gnarly hills. I don’t want you to get sick LJ.” He snarls at me and say, F%#k you, I can take anything you can. Go on.
So we strap ourselves onto our new pre-runner, turn the GPS on (by the way, that fricking GPS screen is as big as a 19-inch monitor). It has to be that big for the old-man to be able to see. One problem. He had left his reading glasses at the hotel so all he could see were faint lines and markers. OK, I, with my extraordinarily perfect vision, can see everything. Let’s make the old man happy and pretend he’s guiding me through the course.

The first thing we do is to stop at Ojos Negros to grab breakfast. Little did I know that the old gizzard would fall in love at first sight with the cook by the name of Linda. Hell, it took me two hours to get him out of that coffee shop. He kept ordering refills and more tortillas and huevos rancheros, just so the cook would bring them to him. The scary part about it was that she was ready to dump the whole cooking bit and jump in with us on the pre-run. It took some fast talking from me to discourage her. As we were leaving Ojos Negros I could hear the faint cry from the cholita: “LJ wait for me…I love you LJ. Come back…come back mi guapo muchacho…I’ll make you good breakfast every morning, LJ.” Oh boy!

So we barreled out of there in a New York minute hoping she wouldn’t get in her car and start chasing us. We headed east to pick up the course and as luck would have it, LJ had to stop to pee. Those seven cups of coffee were going through him like Niagara Falls. Ordinarily, a quick p is s would take but maybe 30 seconds. This old-poop was standing next to our truck for what felt like five minutes. Just when you though he was done, another torrent of liquid would flow. I guess that’s what happens when you’re 76 years-old. I wanted to ask him if he had brought his Depends, but I thought that was a bit too cruel, so I said nothing. Boy was I wrong!

Now, if you were to ask him he would tell you that I got lost right off the bat. Wrong! I wanted to show him where the old course was, when we used to go towards the sawmill and Laguna Hanson. But no, he started to laugh and yell at me: “Aha, you are lost…big shot. You are lost…Wait until I tell the guys. You are fricking lost. Mr. Baja.”

You have to let old people have their kicks, you know. They only have so much time to enjoy life. So being the Good Samaritan that I am, I let him have his fun. I made a hard left and about five miles later; I picked up the course on our way to La Rumorosa.

I said this was a new pre-runner and built pretty good, but there were some things that were still missing, like grab-handles. LJ was all over that seat, trying to hang on as I was negotiating those hills, rough trails, left turns, right turns, well, you know what I mean. His head was bobbling every-which-way but straight. So I stopped for a minute and asked him: “LJ, you know we still have time to go back. We’ve only gone about ten miles. Are you sure you can handle this?” In his typical, inimitable manner he replied: F&%k you. Go on!

Fortunately, I found several tie-downs on the back seat of the crew cab. We didn’t have our bucket seats yet or the five-point harnesses, so I had to do something to keep the old fa rt in the seat. I grabbed a tie-down and ran it across his chest and around the seat. Then I put the other around his legs and the lower part of that seat. LJ would be in place from now on. But he was complaining that it was too tight. I tried to explain to him that if we had the harnesses they would be even tighter. I told him that it has to be tight in order to keep him in the seat and not getting bounced all over the place. He finally, but reluctantly agreed.

I should have known it, no sooner he was strapped back in and we started up this very tight, twisting, up hill he says; “Stop! I got to pee!” I tried to tell him that we can’t stop right now, we’re going up a tight trail and if anyone is behind us we would be blocking them. Nonetheless, he demanded that I stop or he would p ee right on the seat and then we would smell the waste matter for the rest of the three days of pre-running.
I stopped and told him, “Be careful LJ, it’s slippery out there and steep. I don’t see how you’re going to be able to p ee on the hill.” The old coot, grumbling and snarly replied, “I can p ee anywhere, just watch.”

It was a struggle for him just to open the door being that we were on a 20-degree hill. Nonetheless, he pushed the door open, which kept slamming on him. He must have tried ten times and I was afraid he was either going to pee on the seat any ways or get his leg caught as the door was slamming. Finally, he was able to get out, the door slammed just as he got outside.
He was standing next to the rear of the cab, when suddenly, I see his head disappear. What the hell? I jumped out of the truck and I see LJ sliding down the hill on his asteroid, still holding on to his Johnson. So I run down the hill after him.
Picture this. An old man sliding down a hill like on a water slide, holding his tiny member, while this fat guy running behind him trying to catch him and prevent him from going all the way down an embankment. I was sure glad there was no body pre-running that section at the moment or watching this fiasco.

Finally LJ comes to a stop, still sitting on the ground and without missing a beat, he continues to relieve himself. I on the other hand, I’m out of breath, dirty from having fallen twice on my way down, and now standing behind him watching him with this broad, relieved smile on his face. “OK, I’m done,” he says. “Help me up.” I said to him, “Not until you put Tiny Tim away you old fool.”

The pre-runner is set up for off-road and as a result it’s quite high off the ground. So after climbing back up the hill to where the truck was parked, the next adventure was to get LJ into the seat and strap him in once more. All this took over a half an hour. I was beat, spent, tired, exausted and we hardly had covered 15 miles of the pre-run. What did I get myself into?
We finally made it up the hill and continued bouncing all over the pine forest. Then, as we’re coming down a very steep trail we spot about six motorcycle riders at the bottom. One bike is down and on it’s side. Oh, oh! LJ says, “We gotta stop and help.” I said, "No we don’t, there are plenty of guys there to help. Nobody seems to be hurt." But no, the Old-Coot wants to get out and help them fix the bike. Jeeezzz!

More shortly…

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[rlury]

sounds like you had a blast and probably showed that old man an amazing time in mexico. and hey he is like 70+ you got to let him get with that cook, like you said how much longer does the guy have lol. great story man, another great time in baja

[dan200]

I love these stories!!!! MORE MORE MORE!!!

[3G RACING]

more lucho please!! Lol. Seriously, you should think of writing a book on all your memorable findings and happenings in baja.

[Vtr_Racing]

No, please no....Not another naked Checker story! Lol...The visual...

[Zambo]

[RCJoslin]

I want more... Love these stories!

[Bioracer]

Now I know how will be spending my Thanksgiving vacation.... waiting for "the rest of the story".

[Broncodawg]

Ahh, something to do for Gobble Day, wait for the next post.
It wouldn't be: "Asked the old guy if he wanted to use a piss tube because we needed to keep moving? Old F84k answers, "Depends" Have a great day!

[OR2BAJA]

When you gotta go...you gotta go!!!