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How The UNDERGROUND won the Rental Car Rally.

How The UNDERGROUND won the Rental Car Rally.

Like many of our adventures, it all started when someone found a link someplace online. This one, we can blame on Gregg "Double G" Calvert. The event was called "Rental Car Rally (RCR): LA to Tombstone" and it sounded fecking awesome...

RCR is a single leg competitive road trip in which teams of costumed players compete for cash and prizes. There is no set route, but each team must hit pre-defined checkpoints, the locations of which will be provided in the rally booklet provided at the starting line. Each team must provide photographic evidence of each checkpoint. Teams are scored by a combination of odometer reading, team style, and hijinks...

Basically this was the ghetto version of the Gum Ball Rally (minus the speeding part) combined with the costumed ruthlessness of the "Cannon Ball Run" films and there was only one rule... "Hit the checkpoints and be awesome." The emails/texts started flying immediately and It only took about an hour for us to form the team... Austin "Fish" Farner, Mike Loomis, and myself (dan200) have been racing a junkyard car enduro called the 24 Hours of LeMons since 2008 and we have driven all over the western parts of the US in the quest for LeMons Glory. We are well practiced in the misery of cross country road trips together. With the addition of Double G to the crew we had formed what would surely be, the most hardcore, flatbilled, hard partyin', DGAFers who have the ability not only to enjoy adventures in things that are pointless but actually excell at them. Doing this in "Over The Top" style was the plan and from concept to completion there was never a doubt in our minds that we wouldn't win this thing and the competition would never even know what hit them...

The decision to use a war theme was established and we decided to base our costumes on the fictional character "John Rambo". This way any warfare could not be blamed on us and instead would be blamed on the warrior spirit that lies within our veterans. Loomis foolishly offered up his new crew cab tundra as our rally vehicle and we brainstormed on how to transform it into the "Rambo Lambo". I paid the entry fee and booked the hotel rooms at the finish line. Fish got to work on researching the other rallies the guys had done in other cities and Double G started shopping for costumes and supplies. A couple trips to the army surplus store and some reckless overspending on EBay and Craigslist and we had wigs, combat boots, aviator glasses, army pants, paint ball guns, rubber bowie knives, water balloon launchers, camo netting, Vietnam VC cong hat, fireworks, P.O.W. and American Flags, dog tags, bullhorns, face paint, compound bow and arrows, padded muscle man body suits and an assortment of navigation systems, fancy phones, portable GPS equipment, atlases and maps to assure us we had all the crap we needed to hit all the checkpoints without doing any more miles than necessary and do it it in true "RAMBO STYLE".

It wasn't long before the internet smack talk began (the second most popular thing to do online just behind watching porn) and some fellow off roader types got into mix, entering their own teams/vehicles. Of all the challengers, the only one we felt was a real threat was Matt "Kartman" Kartozian's "Kreepy News/Media Goon" team. It was our plan to do as much off roading as we could to get to each checkpoint and we knew Kartman had a worthy vehicle to do the same. We also knew he and his crew were tough enough/weird enough and vicious enough to definitely be worthy opponents. We are all friends, but when the green flag drops, GAME ON.

The race was scheduled to depart LA/Hollywood midnight on Friday but, Thursday there was supposed to be a pre-race party at a dive bar in Hollywood. Because of an intentional lack of organization on behalf of the organizers, the pre-party location was not announced till the last minute so the mad scramble to get hotel rooms near the location began. It was Kartman who found the best/worst hotel up there. Best, because it was cheap and right across the street from the party, and worst, because it was a 100 year old tiny craphole with terrible plumbing.

I boarded my flight from PHX with three double bloody marys in my belly and landed in San Diego feeling awesome.

I waited at the curb for Loomis to pick me up and as I gazed into the cluster feck of travelers coming and going and saying dumb shat like "I am gonna miss you, love you, have a safe flight" etc. I though to myself that, of the thousands of people surrounding me and going someplace, none of them are embarking on an epic adventure like the one I am. This was confirmed when the tundra came around the corner. I couldn't help but laugh. The truck stood high and mighty against the back drop of compact cars, enviro loser priuses, and pretentious mercedes convertibles that plague SOCAL freeways. Mikes Tundy is nice and big but that alone is not why it stood out. The front clip was draped with camouflage netting and secured with dozens of zip ties and basically it looked ready for war! The crowd all stared as he approached the curb and I went over to the truck. I threw my gear bags in the bed and as i was closing the door i heard somone behind me say "WHAT THE FECK IS THAT?" I didn't even look back. It was already obvious we were making an impression on people and I better get used to everyone staring. We pulled into traffic and now The UNDERGROUND was rolling with impunity through the streets of San Diego as the flapping of the camo netting sounded like tiny rain drops on the hood of the urban assault vehicle.. The journey had begun.

We had a few stops to make. The first was Mikes place so we could grab his gear and after that, we headed to his shop to pick up the rest of the camo netting and various materials for the rest of our vehicles costume. With the truck loaded up, our next stop was for some gas station food and to top off the tank, and go pick up Fish and Double G. We were already running late and when we were about to get on the road Loomis noticed the truck keys were missing. After what seemed like hours of searching, unloading all our gear and several times and literally tearing through the truck and his shop we found them. They were stuck to the mag mount from the race radio in the bed of the truck. Green light, GO! Mike chirped the tires as we pulled out of the shop and we blazed to Fishes house.

Fish and Double G were out front waiting for us when we got there both holding airsoft AK 47's and Double G was donning his VC conical hat. It only took a few minutes before we were all shooting Gregg with the paintball guns just to make sure they hurt when they hit you and then we began the mad rush for Hollywood. We had one more stop to make along the way. DEZERTRANGERS.com had decided to sponsor us for the weekend and we had to pick up the stickers for the truck along with the cash so we headed to HB to do that. This was a quick turn and burn and we were once again on our way to the land of movie stars and junkies. The party was to begin in a few minutes and we were still many many miles away and we were terrified we would miss last call. GAS ON!

In route, I made a call to re-confirm our room reservations were still "all good" and this is where things got kinda complicated. I was supposed to have 2 rooms and each of us would have our own bed. The lady who answered my call was saying the guy who took my reservations had messed up and now we only had one room. Man was I pissed! I plead my case and told her we were an hour away and she better have TWO ROOMS for me when I get there and she assured me she would start working on it...So 20 minutes later my phone rings and it's the hotel chick again. Apparently she wanted to know if it was OK if she gave our second room away to Tim Flahart (a member of Kartmans team). "WTF? Ummm NO!" I have Fish and everyone yelling in the backround and on her end I hear others in the hotel lobby trying to tell her that I had already said OK, they could have our room and there was no need to call. I asked her to put me on the phone with them and after only a few words from those guys they just hung up. At this point i don't know if we have any rooms at all and I start making more calls trying to get to the bottom of this. The Media Goons denied any shenanigans and we pressed on to Hollywood as the dumb hotel chick assured me by the time we arrived we would have at least one room and she would work on getting us some roll away beds so we did not have to homo out and share queen beds or sleep on the floor. She also described Kartman as "Big, bald, intimidating and aggressive".

So we finally arrive and check in to our ONE room. The ding dong at the front desk was able to get us two extra beds in there but when we unfolded these the floor space was basically eliminated. At this point all we cared about was alcohol. We threw our gear in the room and booked across the street for the party.

We dodged a few dozen screaming Lakers fans on the way and hoped we would get to see some burning cop cars since the NBA finals had just ended but all we really got mostly was drunks Asians in Camrys yelling "Go Rakers" from their windows.

The party was at a place called the "Power House Bar" and this was a dump of glorious proportions. We knew it was gonna be a dive but this was some next level shat. There was almost no light at all.

Most of the patrons had their hands around glasses of Jack Daniels or cans of PBR and i dont doubt all of them had at least one warrant. There were a few locals in there but the rally promoters were long gone. Kartman was seated in a booth snapping away pics of some heavily tattooed lesbians making out and we got to drinking immediately with a ferocious sense of urgency. Jager, Crown, and Rum...Jager, Crown, Rum... Jager, Crown, Rum...

By the time that last call came around, we had befriended the bartenders, who seemed like tipping was something that never happened to them before, and had a close call with a local regarding his bar stool real estate.

After last call, we stumbled across the street the luxurious Hilton that shadowed our Roach Motel next to it and were just about to jump in the roof top pool when out of the blue someone was a voice of reason and we reconsidered. The next thing I know, everyone went to bed and Kartman and I pounded the warm beers in Mike's cooler and chain smoked cigarettes for a couple hours in the parking lot before turning in for the evening...


Because of the mix up/theivery concerning our second hotel room the hotel manager had said we could stay a second night for free. This woulda been great but we were gonna be gone by then so I renegotiated the deal and got to have a late check out. We were due at the starting line at 10pm so I said they could just give us the room till then and we would be happy. The hotel room would be home base for the day. We slept in and finally rolled out of bed to finish decorating the Tundy.

After a couple hours in the parking lot, we were done. Our sponsors, DesertRangers.com and Camburg logos were applied to the truck, the remainder of the truck was covered in camo netting to match the front clip using over 200 zip ties, the water balloon launcher was attached to the bed and tested. the cooler was filled with water baloons, the paint ball guns were loaded and we were basically ready besides a few errands to run for some final supplies.

We had a lot of time to kill so we did the "Hollywood tourist thing" and walked around checking out the various shops and what not. We had some wings at hooters, and checked out the Ripleys Believe It or Not Museum and then tried to get some much needed rest. Before we knew it it was time to get into our costumes and head to the starting line.

There was eight of us using a tiny hotel room to change so we were all in eachothers way but we got shat done. Time sorta flew by and we still had one stop to make on the way to the start so we got going and everyone jumped in the trucks. A quick stop for a picture at the Sylvester Stalone star and then another at Ralph's for some cans of whip cream and Gatorades etc. and we headed to the newly relocated starting line.

The starting line....

One thing we knew was that the starting line was one of the very few places we were gonna get to interact with the organizers of this donkey parade and ya never get a chance to make a first impression so we made our entrance to the dirt lot we were trespassing on, a good one. It was great actually. We were in full gear, guns pointed out the windows, Rambo movie playin on the in dash TV and Metallica blasting from the sound system. Rather than get in line like everyone else, we blasted past the other cars and locked up the breaks creating a nice cloud of dust as came to a stop blocking the entrance and exit to the lot. Then we jumped out of the truck. It only took a few seconds for us to realize or efforts in getting as much attention as possible were a success. For the next hour or so we mingled with the rest of the rally nut jobs taking pictures and comparing costumes. There was like 57 teams at this thing but here are some pics of a few of them...

We did a little schmoozing with the promoters and got busy telling everyone they should just go home now because we were gonna win this thing. Since the guys hosting this are also responsible for coordinating the worlds largest hit man style squirt gun fight they were especially impressed with out water balloon launcher. Basically the race had not started yet and we felt like we were already ahead of everyone...

Somewhere around 11:30 one of the organizers told me he wanted us to leave first. Mostly because we had co c k blocked the whole parking lot and it would be difficult to get anyone else outta there with our truck posted up like it was. He gave me our briefcase and explained its contents... "All the stuff is yours to use as you see fit. Please read the rule book. It is important and has tips/trick for getting extra points. Have fun and we will see you in Tombstone"

"OK, were outta here but before we go I gotta ask one question... Is there any rule regarding the use of explosives?" i asked him.

"Ummmm, No." he replied nervously as he gave me a strange look that I took to mean "I wish I had just said said yes"

"OK. Good! Cover yer ears and we will see you in Tombstone. Make sure ya have our trophy!"

We piled in the truck and dropped off the curb and onto the street. Double G was across the street with a 30 dollar multi rocket firework that was contained within a 12 inch by 12 inch box. He lit the fuse and hopped in with us. As the rockets began to launch we were doing an awesome powerbreak/burnout. The air reaked of burnt rubber and gunpowder and we peeled away from the croud knowing we had done our job of making a quality first impression on everyone there. We stopped about 150 feet away and launched a balloon at the promoters van for good measure and headed for the freeway.

Checkpoint one."Cabazon Dinosaurs- because FECK yeah dinosaurs"

We had 10 checkpoints to hit and we had to have photographic evidence of each of them. All of the directions we had were somewhat non specific. There was not really any addresses or GPS coordinates. Just city names and colorful descriptions of what it was we were supposed to find. This was basically a fecked up scavenger hunt masterminded by part time criminals. Our first destination is the place made famous in the Pee Wee Herman movie and we knew where it was so we double checked that we would take the right freeway to get there with the least amount of miles. The traffic sucked even though it was midnight but, we got there fairly quickly.

Upon arrival it was obvious we were not the first to arrive. One of the things that was supplied in the briefcase was caution tape and the whole parking lot was roped off with this already. This obvious ploy to keep us from the checkpoint was easy to beat and Loomis drove right through the stuff and we snapped a photo.

Other teams were coming and going by now and the parking lot was buzzing with costumed freaks. While we waited to regroup and fuel up we broke out the water balloons. Some dude dressed as "Super Mario" and his girlfriend "the Princess" were posing for a photo. I cocked my arm back, balloon in hand, and tossed the water bomb in an effort to hit the dinosaur above them and have the water splash down on them as they posed. As soon as the projectile left my hand I knew I had made a bad throw. Instead of hitting the dinosaur, I nailed the princess right in the forehead knocking her crown right off her head. This was purely accidental but at the same time, hysterical. I rushed over to apologize and explain it was NOT my intention to hit her in the face but nobody believed me. I couldn't tell if she was crying because of all the water but she threw a serious guilt trip at me and asked for my bullet belt from my costume as compensation. I gave it to her because, at this point, I really did feel bad. Her boyfriend just kinda stood there consoling her and we headed off to the other side of the parking lot to top off the gas tank, use the bathroom and regroup. While I was taking a leak some other rally people asked "Are you the guy who hit the girl in the face with the water balloon? We saw her crying" There were nine more checkpoints to go and were were already labeled as the assholes of the rally. This unfortunate event making a girl cry did absolutely nothing to chill the balloon shenanigans though...

Kartmans truck had blown the radio fuse. While they were under the dash makin the repair we positioned the truck to use the water balloon launcher and Fish loaded it and aimed for the truck. BAM! Direct hit! We nailed the inside of the open door and burst out laughing. They were unimpressed but they fixed the radio. Possibly it was a grounding issue and the water helped? As we were getting back into the truck the Princess and Mario drove past us. She was holding an ice pack to her forehead. WAJ!!! I still felt like a prick but was also kinda pissed she did not really accept my apology. My teammates reminded me that we had two codes for the weekend... One was "DGAF" and the other was "Sorry 4 partyin' " I did my best to put it out of my mind and we headed for checkpoint two.

Checkpoint Two
"Injun Rock" Camp Emmerson BSA, Idyllwild, CA It's a rock that looks like an Injun"

The road to this checkpoint was a single lane winding one up a mountain. There was no place to pass and we got stuck behind a mini van filled with girls in "Slutty Nun" costumes who were giving away Pringles Potato Chips at the starting line calling them "the body of Christ". They were fecking slow. Now what ya gotta realize is this was not a race for time. We were in no rush to get to the finish but there was a sense of urgency we couldn't escape. We patiently followed the min van and finally reached our destination at the top of the mountain. There is a Boy scout camp up there and they have this crazy looking tribal indian painted on a rock in the field just inside the gated camp entrance. This was near impossible to find in the dark but camera flashes showed us the way. We went though the gate and headed up the little hill to take the picture and got it done...

By now there was dozens of cars and rally participants had probably doubled the population of this little town and we were all trespassing. People were lighting off M-80's and the locals had obviously been alerted about the arrival of costumed freaks. As we were about to pull away some guy who we named "the worlds oldest eagle scout" tried to block us from getting out of the gate. We saw him harassing another car in front of us and as that guy told him to feck off and peeled away he came at us next and stuck his hand inside the door as we played dumb.

"Whats up dude?" we asked..

"You know you guys are trespassing right? Yer shooting off guns and creating a ruckus. You don't belong here! I work for Blah Blah Blah.'

Whatever dude, we are leaving. We didn't see any no trespassing signs. We aren't shooting off guns (even though there were semi realistic toy guns all over the inside of the truck) Let go of the truck!"

He wouldn't shut up and went on to say "The authorities had been notified". While he was still talking we rolled up the window and snuck out the gate and he went on to go bother the rest of the rally people. We were done here and it seemed like a good time to GTFO so we headed to checkpoint three. Along the way we saw two Sheriff SUV's hauling ass to the Boy Scout camp so we called over a warning on the radio to our friends to let them know the Po Po was on the way as we pressed on, fingers crossed there was not more cops in route or a road block to intercept us... As we left twitter updates from the promoters were blowing up my phone warning everyone of the Sheriff being on their way... We were safe. Feck Yeah!

Checkpoint Three.
"Fantasy Springs Resort and Casino, Indio Springs CA (get a photo blowing dice or playing craps)"

The ride here was basically uneventful besides a trip through the Del Taco drive thru For some much needed nourishment. As we were waiting four our food twitter updates were pouring in again. Apparently the casino wont let anyone wear a costume into the casino floor so we were supposed to get a pic in the lobby instead. The next update said not to go inside at all. I guess some guy who had beat us there ruined this for everyone by doing doughnuts in the parking lot or pulling some Gymkanha Ken Block drift shat and now no one was gonna be let into the casino at all. Taking a pic outside had now been approved as evidence of making the checkpoint.

Fish had been a local at this casino back in the day so we took a short cut he knew of through town and shaved a few miles on approach, since most of our competitors took prolly took the freeway the whole way. We really wanted to win this thing so we decided to push it a little. Even though we new the required minimum for the checkpoint was an outside picture it was our theory that we should go inside anyway but be ready to bolt outta there quickly if necessary. We pulled into the valet entrance and left the truck running. I stayed with the car and the rest of the boys hopped out and ran thru the front door, snapped a pic and were immediately discovered by the security guards. We explained we did not know we weren't allowed in and then we took off as a security truck followed us to the edge of the property.

Another successful checkpoint down. Seven more to go.

Checkpoint Four
"Bombay Beach, CA- Get to the beach. Watch out for zombies and a Lay-Z-Boy in the surf."

The trip to this place was where our attitudes about throwing eggs changed. Up to this point we had only thrown water balloons and had managed to escape any attacks from the other teams. Loomis has a nice truck and we wanted to keep it that way for him. Because eggs and paint dont really mix it was our hope we could avoid being egged by not egging anyone else. We could not have been more wrong.

A car approached us from the rear while we traveled the deserted road to our destination and in the mirror it seemed innocent enough. They got closer and closer and we thought it was some friends of ours (Lucho Libre Trevor of Team Feckface) who we had been talking with on the radio. It wasn't. In a respectably stealth maneuver, they pulled along side and unloaded on us. Our truck was now covered in chicken abortions!!! Instantly we kicked on the dome lights and got the 6 eggs we had and began to chase them. There were several near collisions as we tried to get along side these guys and retaliate but we did it scoring some direct hits. After a nicely place egg directly in the center of their windshield they backed off but not before they got us with one last shot. It hit the window while we were rolling it up and yolk was splattered across the back seat as well as Double G and Fish. There was no way we were gonna take this lying down so we kept up the pace and Loomis tried to get one last egg fired off. I say tried because he nailed his own A pillar inside the truck. Some of the egg made out out the window but not all of it. The visor, pillar, inside of the windshield, gauges and dash were all collateral damage. We rolled up the widows and pulled in front of these guys while we used baby wipes to clean off the interior. We need to reorganize and continue the battle.

We still had a couple of eggs left but they kept their distance staying well out of range. We talked about pulling over and hiding behind a billboard or something but the terrain provided no such place so we needed a new plan. We radioed to Trevor, whose team we knew was approaching from the rear. There were no cops in sight and we said we would warn them if any were coming so they stepped on it and caught up to the guys quickly and then unloaded on them. A short while later we were all at Bombay Beach laughing about the scrambled egg highway incident.

Bombay Beach is an awful place. Dirt roads, broken trailers for houses, couches for lawn ornaments. I'm not certain but I would be willing bet this is the exact spot where crystal meth was invented. We made the several block journey along the edge of town to the "beach" and parked in a field with several other teams, one of them being the guys who egged us. I guarded the truck while the boys hiked around looking for the "Lay-Z-Boy" but they only found a rusted tractor. While everyone was walking around looking in the wrong place for the recliner I got out one of the jugs of mustard we had packed and coated their wind sheild wiper blades with it. As my fellow Rambos returned so did our competitors. They noticed a few drops of mustard on the windshield so they turned on the wipers resulting in an entirely yellow windshield. Our prank was taken in stride and they were pouring water and washing the car down as we sped away.

Then we got a call from some other friends who had located the hidden checkpoint. We booked over to where they were and snapped a pic. Searching for this one had proven to be difficult and not to many people had found it. We wanted to keep it that way. Since we were running in the top 25% of the pack we decided to make things harder on everyone who came after us by digging the lazyboy out of the sand and moving it so it was hidden behind some bushes.

I dont know how many people never found it at all but I bet the numbers were quite high. With one more stop crossed off the list and a checkpoint sabotaged we bailed for the next adventure. Clocks had become pointless by this point in the trip but to put things in reference, when we exited town the sun was coming up
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Checkpoint Five...
"The bridge to nowhere..."

This one actually had some specific directions to it but we didn't need them. We looked up the location and figured out that there was 2 ways to get there. One was 120ish miles and the other was about half that many. Ya know the train tacks that run along the east side of the Glamis Beach Store? That was basically a bee line to our destination.

When everyone took to the freeway, we took to the dirt. We actually made a convoy with Kartmans crew and one of Mike's friends, William (the guy who won the bull run in the digital camo lamborgini) in his H2 Hummer. We blasted down that road for like 60 or 70 miles. The construction workers along the trail gave us some strange looks and before we knew it were back on the highway with miles to spare. By this point we had run out of eggs and with an empty ammo locker we felt a bit vulnerable and sorta naked. We stopped for fuel and some new supplies from the dairy case and so did Kartmans team. As I walked away from the truck I looked over my shoulder to see those guys load our water balloon launcher and pull it back. Snap! They launched an egg point blank into our rear window. Egg was splattered all over our gearbags in the bed of the truck and I was pissed yet impressed, someone had the idea to use our own weapon against us.

While we were in the store it was established there would be no egg truce between our teams and we tried to buy all 15 dozen eggs they had at the gas station. The argument at the counter was hysterical as we negotiated who was allowed to buy them all. In the end we had made the compromise to split the egg supply up evenly so that neither of us turned this into a spending contest. We got back on the road and soon we saw other rally folk at the next checkpoint. We hustled to the front of the pack with our guard and our windows up. Ya never know when an egg assassin my emerge from behind a car.

We snapped our picture on the bridge and backed outta there stopping just inside the checkpoint entrance.

From this vantage point we could still see Kartmans crew at the far end of the dirt road. In between us there were a half dozen of parked and unattended rally vehicles so we radioed to Kartman that the coast was clear and to "do work". As he drove away from the bridge they egged every single car with reckless abandon. It was a total slaughter. Where we were parked, we had a great view of the whole thing. I almost fell out of the truck laughing while watching Daphne and Thelma try and run through the dirt in high heels to their mini van mystery machine to defend it.

Five checkpoints down, five to go.

Checkpoint Six
"M65 Atomic Cannon- You get extra points for riding the cannon"

The interesting situation with the previous checkpoint and this one was, after this we were gonna have to backtrack for a bit to get to the next place we had to be. There were at least a dozen rally vehicles in the area, some of them ahead of us and some close behind. This meant we were gonna catch up to some on the way there, there would be some at the checkpoint when we got there, more would arrive while we were there, and we would see more as we headed away from there. We had seen crowded checkpoints along the way but those were before this trip had escalated into basically a cross country egg war. So far the egging had been side by side and door to door or while parked and now we were gonna be doing this head on. The fact that you could safely say many of the other teams had a score to settle with us made for an interesting twist on the situation. We pulled of getting there with out taking any fire a snapped our photo...

Between Kartman's, Trevor's, and our team, I think we hit almost every car in the area. We were still competing with each other but a section like this made having race radios helpful. First of all, we were able to warn each other about the cops in the area and second, we were able to coordinate our attacks and notify each other of our approaching competitors. This type of strategic warfare proved successful at two things. We annihilated the other cars in rapid succession and we rose to the tops of every ones shat lists...

Somehow we were able to make it thru this area without taking a hit. When the Mystery Machine drove past us they were all flipping us off behind the safety of their rolled up windows...

Checkpoint Seven
"Datelan Army Airfield-huge abandoned military airfield. (Extra points to whoever can drive their car down the tarmac)"

Along the way to this checkpoint we did some zigging and zagging across some farm land. Here and there we came across canals we had to get around, dead ends, and various tractors and farm workers who stared in amazement as wade our way back to the highway. We only saw one other rally team on the highway all the way to the checkpoint after we had left the side roads and once again we were at war. It was a quick little battle with a mini van and they backed off quickly. I think we ran them out of ammo.

We exited the freeway and our GPS showed the airfield just beyond the underpass. When we crossed under all we saw was desert. There were no signs/fences/nothing and we kinda putted around looking for evidence of an entrance to the runway. Since we couldnt see anything we picked a couple of dirt turnoffs and trusted our GPS that showed a runway off to the south of us but no road going to it. Then we found some very threatening signs we promptly ignored.

We drove a little more through the desert and ended up on a big slab of concrete which we decided must be the tarmac.

Since we were blatantly trespassing, we figured we shouldn't hang around much longer and we bailed and headed back to the freeway. There was a convenience store at the freeway ramp so we went in and bought the remaining eggs they had, not because we need them but because we wanted to make sure nobody else could buy them. Then we parked and reviewed our route to the next checkpoint.

We had our route figured out and were headed for the on ramp when we saw these guys who had escaped the egg war so far, at least from us. We had not even seen these guys who were dressed as illegal aliens since we had taken the glamis shortcut. They were with us in the begining of that but, they fell behind quickly in their rented dodge dakota. This was to perfect. They were filling up with gas and squeegeeing off the windshield as we drove up along their front bumper and rolled down the windows.
"Hey, we never saw you guys after we got past the first few miles of the dirt road. Glad to see you guys are all ok. We were worried about you/ How far did you make it?" They all were smiling and started walking toward us. As they started to tell their story of their trip through the dirt we all climbed out the windows and completely covered the hood and windshield of their truck with eggs and sped away without looking back. Another victorious checkpoint was completed and we were on our way to the remaining three.

Checkpoint Nine
"10 million abandoned tires (Near xxxxxxx Maricopa Rd., Maricopa AZ)"

Yes, I just jumped past check eight. There was a big long freeway ahead of us and after looking at the map we noticed we could postpone check eight and head for nine first. Doing this would give us a couple of advantages. It was gonna be a shorter route overall and doing things this way could also tip the scales to our advantage even further. An added bonus was we would have the opportunity to sabotage checkpoint nine for the other rally teams if we got there first. We knew we had done really well on mileage so far. The short cut had served us well and if we kept this up we would be in the top positions in the mileage category. Winning that had the most points and it was gonna come down to us vs Matt for these points and it was gonna be close.

Anyway, we were closing in on where the GPS said we should go and when we finally arrived we saw up in the foothills a large warehouse facility. There were towers and tin sheds, big bay doors and administrative buildings... and there were piles and piles of tires! The problem was this was up a long windy driveway and there was a big yellow gate with an even bigger chain and lock around it. Also, the address to the facility was on the gate and did not match the address we had in our rule book but it did match the one in the GPS so, now we are faced with a dilemma. We think we are in the right place but this place had a bad vibe to it. It looked official yet, abandoned and if it was dark out, probably haunted. We wanted to get as many daring points as we could but we also did not want to go to jail. As we discussed what to do I noticed that just next to the fence there was a second gate like you see on the trails in baja. Just three strings of barbed wire crossing a dirt path that had a loop holding it to the next fence post. I did my best to convince everyone since there was not a "no trespassing" sign we wouldn't actually be trespassing if we went through the unlocked gate. The next thing you know we are motoring up the driveway getting the camera ready. Just as we reached the end a security guard comes from out between two buildings. He was a goofy little man but he took his job quite seriously.

"You guys cant be in here" he said hiding behind his aviator glasses.
"we just wanna take a picture"
"No pictures"

He tried to remain as serious as possible and did not care about our story or why we were dressed like wierdos. He just wanted us to leave. We said we would and apologized but took the picture anyway and once again he is inside the window of the truck checking us out. We asked him if we were the only people to come up here today dressed like idiots in a wacky car and he said yes, so we told him there was over 50 more cars full of freaks headed his way so he should be on the look out and we took off satisfied that we done our best to turn this checkpoint into a bust before anyone else got there...

I still am not sure what to think of that place. But if one day it turns out that it is some kind of top secret entrance to an underground bunker that houses alien space ships i won't be surprised. The whole place was just kinda spooky and I very much never want to go there again.

Checkpoint Eight
"The Domes" Casa Grande AZ (extra points for getting in the tunnels under the eastern end of the facility. Super extra points for returning with evidence of Satanic worship)"

Finding these was easy and as we were taking the final turn that would lead us to there when we saw a minivan we had played egg toss with before. They were foolishly parked right on the corner while fueling at a dumpy Circle K. We pulled into the lot and hurled a half dozen eggs at their "swagger wagon" while we did doughnuts around them. Then we pulled back on the road and simply continued on our way.

Eventually the "domes" came into view and the pavement turned into a graded road. There was no one around as we pulled the truck thru a gap in the barbwire fence that surrounded the weird mushroom looking structures and we hoped it would stay that way.

We proceeded to make our way to the far eastern end of the facility in search of the tunnels being careful not to pop a tire on one of the many pieces of rusted re-bar that protruded from the ground. When we made it to the back we snooped around and finally found the tunnel entrance and took our pictures to prove we had been there. Then we loaded back up and headed for the gap in the fence so we could get on the road to the final checkpoint.

Unfortunately our exit was blocked by a few of the teams we had been warring with for the last few hundred miles. I don't know if they had meant to corner like this or if it was just our bad luck but we were basically pinned in. Mikey hit the gas and we were able to get just out of range but we did take several hits getting there. Then we stopped and loaded the water balloon launcher and began our retaliation. This evolved into sorta a game of leap frog because as we would reload they would inch closer. After a decent exchange of eggery we took off and headed for checkpoint ten.

Checkpoint Ten
"Yuma Air and Space Museum Airplane Grave Yard
(optional if you have time)"

The story of what occurred on the way to checkpoint ten will forever be locked up in the book of things that never happened (even though there are pictures of it.) I will say we are some lucky mother feckers that this leg of the trip didn't end up with us shot and/or in jail. Pics or it didn't happen you say? Here you go...

OK all that was just BS. It was a total setup and completely staged but the cop was real... (Sorry)

After this was over we had lunch, or i should say breakfast at lunch time, at a truck stop Taco Bell. We were careful to park the truck behind the building so we could avoid any sabotage efforts. After our tacos and nachos were gone we headed for the final and also optional checkpoint. This place was easy to find being only about a mile off the freeway at the south end of Tucson. The entire journey there we had the remainder of our eggs at the ready but never saw anyone to throw them at. Fish climbed up on one of the bombs hanging from the wing of the jet in the parking lot of the museum, and we snapped our pic and headed for the finish line.

Finish Line. Holiday Inn, Tombstone, AZ.

The hotel was easy to find since it was one of the first buildings on the way into this historic town. We pulled into the parking lot with the stereo cranked and parked right by the Judges. There were several other teams there already and we all laughed and traded stories of the drive/battle and carried on like old friends. Slowly but surely the parking lot got fuller and fuller and before long the party switched from the parking lot to the pool. The hotel was over run with costumed partiers and we were splashing around still in our muscle suits in the pool till we ran out of beer. Double G then made the executive decision to send someone to the liquor store for more. "Here is my credit card. I want you to buy as much beer as you can and a bottle a Jager and keep it under 100 bucks." I felt bad for the vacationing father who was there with his little kids. I don't doubt they learned some new bad words and were exposed to their first under water double headed dildo face slap fight that afternoon. There must have been 100 of us in that pool drinking beer and tequila, and Crown, and Jager and swimming in our own piss. (Not once did anyone ever get out to use the bathroom)

The Princess and Mario even showed up and I tried to clear my conscience with a final apology but failed. Perhaps the fact i still had some green make up on my face and was one of the drunkest people in Arizona did not help my cause. Finally I said feck it and told her she obviously was not cut out for something like this and should go back inside her nintendo and shut the hell up. "Fat Rambo says Sorry for Partyin'"...

When I could no longer stand/swim Mike and I headed for our romm to shower and get ready for the awards. When we left the pool Double G was arguing over the cost of some girls camera he ruined when he did a cannonball into the jacuzzi and fish was defending himself from Trevor who was relentless in his dildo face slap attacks. We showered and then made the mistake of laying down "just for a few minutes". OOPS. when we woke up we already late for the after party/awards. I threw on my hat and some shoes and we tried in vain to locate Fish and Double G. Our calls and texts were unanswered and no matter how hard we beat on the door of their room no one opened it. The shuttle vans to the party were no longer running also so we took the truck to town.

The After Party.

This was held at an outdoor cowboy bar and there were tons of people there. Half rally folk and the other half were a combination of locals and tourists. We downed rum and cokes and listened to people destroy themselves doing karaoke waiting for the awards ceremony to begin.

Eventually the Promoters/Organizers/Criminals who put this thing on got the microphone away from the wanna be Rob Zombie singer and the awards began. It was short and sweet. Kartmans Media Goons had beat us by several miles and the Deloreon/Back to the Future team who had made a hell of an entrance at the starting line were both commended but, when it came to the overall TEAM RAMBO WON.

Fish and Double G had still not made it to the bar so Mike and I accepted the award. I had no victory speech prepared so I just winged it. My memory is a bit fuzzy but I think it went something like "I wanna thank the organizers and all of you other teams for coming out and doing this with us. I hope there are no hard feelings. When it comes to winning something pointless my crew is the best and I am proud to say we enjoyed beating all you sorry mother ephers and can't wait to do it again next year." We stood in front of the crowd holding our canvas bag of wadded up singles and quarters, and our golden gas pump as we were both cheered and booed by the crowd. I spent the remainder of the evening with the gas pump in my belt walking around feeling like Wyatt Fecking Earp.

Eventually Double G and Fish showed up and we all partied and bar hopped till the town closed down. When there was no more fun to be had we made our way to the truck only to discover it had been destroyed by eggs again. I guess parking in sight of the after party was a bad idea. When we returned to the hotel we laid our final burnout of the trip in the parking lost and hung around outside with the few remaining die hards of the trip laughing and telling stories. While this was going on people were busy rubbing soap and vaseline and chili on each others vehicles and rolls of toilet paper flew thru the sky like jet planes. Then all of a sudden two sheriff vehicles came flying into the parking lot and out of the first one a short (and sorta sexy in that butch way) lady cop got out and ordered us all onto the ground and demanded or ID's. Now there are about 15 of us sitting indian style in the parking lot of the hotel asking if we can take pictures and she is all pissed off complaining that this was the 3rd time she has been called up here tonight and she is sick of it. "I wan't you all to stop vandalizing the cars and quit disturbing the other guests or everyone of you is going to jail!" We collectively told her we got the message and she took off without out busting anyone and we headed to our rooms. In the morning the sunlight made it obvious what she was really pissed about...

In tha morning all the cars looked really bad but Kartman probably got the worst of it. His comment regarding these pictures on Facebook was "Totally worth it"

I remember is waking up in all my clothes and being as dehydrated as I have ever been. I went to go find a vending machine and as I looked out the window in the hallway i saw the promoters sneaking away in their van.

The race was over and we had won.

I wanna thank my fellow teammates for a great weekend. There were times where a lack of sleep and energy got the better of us and at one point in the trip I know we all wanted to chock each other out over one thing or another but refrained from doing so. Fish did a great job navigating, Mike was kick ass behind the wheel and the sacrificing of his shiny tundra was very generous of him, and Double G kept us all inline whenever the bickering started. I don't think we could have done a better job at this and can't wait for next year where we will dominate again. I also gotta give Kartman some credit. We only edged his team out by .02 points and the KRPY News Team of Media Goons is a group we are proud to share the podium with. They are vicious, sadistic, and funny MoFo's and the only other team we really felt were ever any competition. I raise my glass to you all for bringing it as well as you did. Kudos to you my friends, and to all the psychos and freaks who entered this thing... We may have gone home with the trophy but in the end i truly feel we all won.

Thanks also goes to dezertrangers.com and Camburg Racing who both foolishly gave us money for this thing. I hope we did you proud!

For more info on the rally and a plethora of pictures and whatnot check out Photos from Rental Car Rally | Facebook
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randy s

Well-Known Member
like i said earlier, everyone here on RDC not only expected you to win, but demanded that you win. nice work and great report. kudos to kartmans effort as well. love his midget shirt.

Jerry Zaiden

Well-Known Member
Whenever there is good fun we will always be involved! Next year there just might have to be another vehicle involved driven by a crew of complete and totally crazy drivers.. ha!

I would also like to say Congratulations and thank you for bringing Camburg yet another win :)
like i said earlier, everyone here on RDC not only expected you to win, but demanded that you win. nice work and great report. kudos to kartmans effort as well. love his midget shirt.
Whenever there is good fun we will always be involved! Next year there just might have to be another vehicle involved driven by a crew of complete and totally crazy drivers.. ha!

I would also like to say Congratulations and thank you for bringing Camburg yet another win :)
It was our pleasure guys... Next year is already in the bag but i regret to inform you our plans will remain top secret until the starting line..


Well-Known Member
what a write up, that was awesome, congrats



Whenever there is good fun we will always be involved! Next year there just might have to be another vehicle involved driven by a crew of complete and totally crazy drivers.. ha!

I would also like to say Congratulations and thank you for bringing Camburg yet another win :)
the roads are a little bumpy and its not that PC to do it so I hope your "crazy" drivers can handle it and not get sick ;p. Im not to worried about the competition though thats for sure. presidence proves that most people are alllllll talk when it comes time to actually showin up. in the words of our good buddy Dan Vance Bring it cause we will. cant wait till NYC and next years west coast rally.
So, I thought I would bump this six year old thread because today they did this rally again.
We didn't enter but Kartman and I got in touch with the promoters and then, in full costume ran a checkpoint.
We went through over 100 eggs and had a good time. Then we spent 15 pressure washing wy truck so that its sorta clean.

Matt has more/better pics...

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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well-Known Member
Now that is one awesome story / road trip. Did you guys go back the next year?

Good job on going back this year and running a check point. Just like volunteers in off road. Its this sort of thing a race cant go without.
Now that is one awesome story / road trip. Did you guys go back the next year?

Good job on going back this year and running a check point. Just like volunteers in off road. Its this sort of thing a race cant go without.
Oh yea, we've rallied a few more times. But we haven't won again.

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Well-Known Member
I have been sitting here in my office laughing my butt off. Several people have stopped by to see what was so funny about ordering parts for oil field equipment and Western Star trucks.

Gotta get back to work, but what a great way to waste an hour on the clock!