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Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

troyharper

DA Meatball
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 

jon coleman

Well-Known Member
rDc, you can ignore this one;back in the 70s i read a story about Tony Orlando was on vacation on some tropical island, he went for a hike , didnt come back that day, so the local authority's said ' we must form a search party', another suggested to start at first light, so they all got up early to search, & low and behold, they found him at the ' crack of Dawn'( hey ,effort counts)
 

DGruper

Well-Known Member
My wife wanted a pet bird. So I go to the pet store and end up buying something called a Budgey 🦅 bird.
The salesperson also tells me that if I file the bird’s beak a little, it sings better but don’t file too much because the bird won’t be able to eat and will starve to death. So I tell her to sell me a beak file too. Turns out they didnt have any beak files in stock, so I got a talon file instead.
Two weeks later I’m back at the pet store to pick up some dog food. The salesperson recognizes me and asks about the bird. “ Bird is dead”, I said. She responds, “See? I told you, if you file the Budgey bird’s beak too much, it can’t eat and will die.”
I explained, “ That wasn’t the problem. The bird was dead once I took its’ head out of the vise.....”
 

DGruper

Well-Known Member
My wife wanted a pet bird. So I go to the pet store and end up buying something called a Budgey 🦅 bird.
The salesperson also tells me that if I file the bird’s beak a little, it sings better but don’t file too much because the bird won’t be able to eat and will starve to death. So I tell her to sell me a beak file too. Turns out they didnt have any beak files in stock, so I got a talon file instead.
Two weeks later I’m back at the pet store to pick up some dog food. The salesperson recognizes me and asks about the bird. “ Bird is dead”, I said. She responds, “See? I told you, if you file the Budgey bird’s beak too much, it can’t eat and will die.”
I explained, “ That wasn’t the problem. The bird was dead once I took its’ head out of the vise.....”
 

troyharper

DA Meatball
Let’s all give a shout out to China for finally creating something that lasts more 1 month!
Corona Virus 2020
 

jon coleman

Well-Known Member
heres a cruel joke,trying to build a house in del mar, , loading super 10 w demo concrete, 20 min later the Gestapo city enforcement come and cry to us, 2 of them in a city vehicle, ' cant park truck there to load', wtf, park it in barstow??? i d i o t s
 
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