DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh I failed spelling'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons,and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts which should cause them to shrink in size,but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
jokes people, im tired of the govt.propaganda bs harshing my mello ,*alert*this joke is horrible;on the jobsite last month, co worker started talking about how other cultures in the middle east have sex w animals, i said 'yup, I've heard that to', foreman over heard us & said 'oh hell yeah, evan hamsters too', buddy says 'Hammsters, how the hell with a Hammster'???, foreman said' simple, you gotta rapem' up tight with duct tape first so they dont explode'
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet"
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine"
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly. "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very very closely.... Are...my...test...results....back?"