This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand...
Guy goes to the doctor and says Doc I have a problem. I take a crap every morning at 6:00 am without exception. Doc asks why that's a problem? In fact, Doc says it's natural and very healthy to be that regular. Guy says the problem is I get out of bed at 7:00!
The other night I was walking home late and took a short cut past a cemetery. Three teenage girls came running up and explained they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them, "I understand I used to be freaked out too when I was alive"
A guy suspected his wife of cheating on him. He didn't have much money so he hired the cheapest private eye he could find who happened to be a Chinese man. This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come house.
He and she leave house.
He and she go hotel...I climb tree.
I look window.
He kiss she, she kiss he.
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he.
I play with me.
I fall off tree.
I no see.
A famer when to the neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is our dad home?"
"No sir, he ain't, he went to town"
"Well, is your mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, he went with mom and dad"
The farmer stood there for a few minutes shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment. "You'll have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $300 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard"