Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

Israel Moore

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This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand...

Now I’m afraid to pee. 🤣
 

JDDurfey

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So I went to Subway today and asked the girl behind the counter what they are calling the tuna sandwiches now that it has been proven there is no actual tuna in it.

She said when she opens the package it looks and smells like tuna, and nothing else has that tuna smell...

I said, I can think of something that can smell like that and it's not tuna.

She shut up!
 

smeeze

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Guy goes to the doctor and says Doc I have a problem. I take a crap every morning at 6:00 am without exception. Doc asks why that's a problem? In fact, Doc says it's natural and very healthy to be that regular. Guy says the problem is I get out of bed at 7:00!
 

JDDurfey

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shave.jpg
 

JDDurfey

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The other night I was walking home late and took a short cut past a cemetery. Three teenage girls came running up and explained they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them, "I understand I used to be freaked out too when I was alive"

Never seen anyone run that fast!!
 

JDDurfey

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A guy suspected his wife of cheating on him. He didn't have much money so he hired the cheapest private eye he could find who happened to be a Chinese man. This is his report:

Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go hotel...I climb tree.
I look window.
He kiss she, she kiss he.
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he.
I play with me.
I fall off tree.
I no see.

No fee,
Ding Dong Lee
 

JDDurfey

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A man goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father, last night I made love to 21 year old twin sisters, in positions that I think are illegal over and over again."

The priest thinks for a few minutes and replies, "Buy 7 lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it."

"Will this cleanse me of my sin?" asks the man.

"No" says the priest, "but is will wipe that f-ing smile off your face you jammy bastard!!"
 

JDDurfey

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A famer when to the neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is our dad home?"
"No sir, he ain't, he went to town"
"Well, is your mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, he went with mom and dad"
The farmer stood there for a few minutes shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment. "You'll have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $300 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard"
 
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