• Forum membership has its advantages....

Share your jokes!!!! -- Mature Subject Matter

Bulldozer

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Okay...

A rope walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind here" He walks out in disappointment and tries again a few minutes later, the bartender tells him "I told you, we don't serve ropes here" So he walks outside, ties himself up and pulls his ends tight. He then unravels himself at both ends and walks back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies "Aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope replies in his most convincing voice "rope? I'm a frayed knot."
 

tre5

Well-Known Member

cheap jeep creep

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

dont mean to change the thread but lets hear some funny race stories also!
 

tre5

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

My dad just emailed me this one...

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
>>
>> Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's
>> Building Supply when they collide.
>>
>> The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
>> my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
>>
>> The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
>> wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>>
>> The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
>> wife look like?"
>>
>> The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
>> blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
>> halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
>>
>> The old guy says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
 

Nick Sexton

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Philosophy of sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
-- Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
 

Nick Sexton

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Rodney Dangerfield Classics

My parents hated me so much my first bath toy was an electric toaster.

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."



"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
 

DavyD

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriateness and transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
 

Nick Sexton

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him 12 drinks.
The bartender pours 12 drinks and the guy starts drinking them one after the other as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Say I've never seen anyone drinks as fast as you!"
The guy says, "You would drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "About 75 cents."
 

desertquad450

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Why did the Mexican girl arrive pregnant to her english class?

Because her English teacher told her to go do an essay!!
 

desertquad450

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't frick with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
 

desertquad450

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
 

tre5

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Since thanksgiving is tomorrow.....


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries

and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"

says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be

$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the

exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again

the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the

waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and

salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places

it on the table.


The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.


"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact

change out of your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two

wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would

just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would

always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million

dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as

long as you live!"


"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

Mary Kay

PRINCESS

Mary Kay

PRINCESS
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him 12 drinks.
The bartender pours 12 drinks and the guy starts drinking them one after the other as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Say I've never seen anyone drinks as fast as you!"
The guy says, "You would drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "About 75 cents."
this one is a total knee slapper!!!!!!!
 

DEZERTSUB

Straw Man
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

I hate to do it almost, but you guys got to check this out:

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=aCxDZRJKkqY&feature=related"]YouTube - Boys On Wheels -New Wheels On The Block[/ame]
 

trophygirl82

Active Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Here Tre5 this is my Thanksgiving contribution :p




Why did the turkey cross the road?

To get hit by my truck.
 

dbain

Well-Known Member
Re: Share your jokes!!!!

Hey here is one.

What Do bricks and fat chicks have in common ?

They both get laid by mexicans
 
Top